A Pain in the…

Ever since I had my biopsy, I’ve been having back pain and I’m not sure why.

It could be that when they did the biopsy, they scraped something or poked something on the way in or out. Or it could be the “small amount of melanoma” on my T7 is suddenly causing me pain. Or is it psychosomatic because I didn’t have any pain until I found out that i would eventually have pain.

So far, the doctors don’t know why. Nothing showing on my last PET scan, nothing on my spinal MRI, nothing on my ultrasound (ordered because they thought it might be a fluid buildup or a haematoma). It’s all in my soft tissue, so I don’t think it would be melanoma-related (not on my spine, no bone pain). It feels like I’ve got a giant, painful knot under my shoulder blade. I’m calling them again tomorrow morning since I’m getting tired of the pain. I’m tired of taking Motrin and Vicodin. I’m tired of being so limited at home.

Hell, we need to clean out the garage so we can get the cars in before the New England blizzards. And the air conditioners won’t move themselves out of the windows. I think I’m doing better by the evening, but then I’m back to square one when I try to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to do the radiation treatment because then we’ll have no way to know if the drugs are working.

It’s damned annoying. I’m truly glad I don’t have debilitating symptoms – I’ve seen others who are less fortunate and I marvel at their strength. I don’t think I have that strength. I’m bitching and whining about aches and pains. And I’m not even on medication yet! What happens when I’m on Ipilimumab?

I feel bad about being so negative, but I feel like I need to be a pillar of strength for my wife and kids all the time. I know I need to vent. I feel bad I don’t vent to my wife, but she doesn’t need the burden. It was easier to talk when I was only in stage 3, but the “promotion” to stage 4 is, well, disconcerting. I suppose I need to come to grips eventually, but I don’t intend to give up. I hope to bitch and whine for quite a number of years to come.

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